Wow! Here I am, creating a blog about moms, and didn’t even make a post for Mother’s Day on Mother’s Day!

Well, if you are a single mom, then my guess is you understand, and are quite forgiving..

Let’s see… People asked me this week how my Mother’s Day was. I responded, “Yeah, it was nice….” with that tilted head, shrugged shoulders, and not so convincing voice.

Don’t get me wrong - I enjoyed the day. But not because I was pampered. Not because anyone did anything nice for me. Not because my kids expressed mega appreciation for me… None of those things happened on Mother’s Day - and for most single moms - that’s kinda how it goes. The reason I enjoyed the day was because I spent it in gratitude for the privilege to parent, and for the blessings I receive as a mom to my two incredible, awesome boys.

If you are a single mom, and your kids are fairly young, you are not waking up to a breakfast made for you coming on a tray in bed. And most likely your day will, as usual, consist of meeting your children’s needs first.  It’s a nice day, but in reality, its not that different than any other day. Us single mom’s don’t get any days off - unless we plan weeks ahead and usually pay someone for the luxury of time off - and Mother’s Day is no exception.

I hope that all single moms out there were able to find at least a few moments on Mother’s Day to feel gratitude for the women they are - for the incredible kids they are contributing to creating - to celebrating all they have accomplished in their lives up to this point.  If we don’t make the conscious effort to create those moments for ourselves - and worse - focus on the fact that we didn’t get flowers on Mother’s Day from a loving husband, for example, then we can go down that road to resentment and frustration - and we definitely don’t want to go there!

Take responsibility for celebrating yourself. Go out and buy yourself some flowers this week! Teach your kids HOW to give to you..  So many of us spend so much time just tending to our children’s needs, wants, desires, emotions, that we don’t realize that we can give them the gift of giving to us as well.  The thing is, if we’ve never given them the opportunity,  they may have no clue how to give to you, or have any idea what your needs are. Tell them what kind of surprises would be nice to get from them, what kind of (simple) treats you like that they could make for you, show them how to turn on the kettle at least for a cup of tea - or let them prepare the cup, the bag, the honey and the milk on a tray for you…

Our children are watching our every move. So be careful about what you are teaching them. Yes - be the best mom you can be… And, realize that the definition you have should include teaching your children how to give to others - including yourself - on Mother’s Day and every day…

Namaste,

Carol Ann Martin
Founder, Single Mom Synergy

I think it’s safe to say that single moms have mega amounts of balls in the air at any given time. Single moms are constantly juggling priorities - each moment, each day, each week, each month….

For some women, this gives them a sense of importance.. They feel if they can handle all these things they will be appreciated more by their kids, maybe accepted more in the community (yes - I’m divorced with kids, but I’m a really good person because I do all these things for other people and my kids), envied for being a “super woman” by other women.. For others, it feels like a big pain in the ass (that would be me).

I’ll be just flat out honest - it sucks having so much to juggle at once. It feels alot of the time like I am so busy focused on the movement of all the balls in the air, chasing after each one, trying to keep any one of them from “dropping”, that I’m missing the whole point of living. But then again, my choices led me to this place and time and situation I’m in as a single mom, so I should just shut up and do it, right? I mean, that comes with the territory.. that’s what I get for divorcing with kids so young…  At least that’s what I kept telling myself at first, and what I assumed other people were thinking, and was probably right…

The bottom line is, juggling may seem exciting and full of excitement and drama… Some people need and want that in their lives and so they do it… But the key is balance. Taking all the balls in motion and placing them, intentionally, into a order.. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it’s about order…

And one of the only ways to create order is to take the time to LOOK at what you are doing and say to yourself - does this make sense?? Is what I’m doing giving me a short-term solution or fix? Am I giving my kids the opportunity to learn and grow and do things for themselves as I should be doing as their primary mentor and coach?

In my previous post on time, I talked about taking just 15 minutes per day to handle something you’ve been putting off. And this is by far one of the most important things to add to one of those 15 minute segments… Take the time to create a schedule for the week. Get a calendar and put you and your kid’s schedules on it.

You may have to get one of those big huge dry erase boards so you have room for everyone in your family. Put the things first on the list that you do routinely - the normal schedules… Then put the things that are coming up for the month that are one-time, or weekly, or monthly, or whatever… Then look at it as a whole… Is it doable? Are there clashes of time? Do you need to get someone else to step in and help you drive one of your kids somewhere?

But most importantly - look at the bulk of your time and what you are doing.. Have you scheduled in there quality uninterrupted time? If you don’t schedule it - guess what - you won’t do it…. Have you scheduled time for yourself? If you look at that calendar and there is NOTHING on there for you - then you MUST carve it out. Find someone to watch your kids so you can go get a massage, or go to a movie, or just have a night to yourself in your own home to take a bubble bath or curl up to the fire with a good trashy novel…

We may think that if we keep up that we are doing well… The truth is - the natural rhythm of all things in the universe has balance and order. Until we instill it in our own lives, we will find that we excel in one area, but another suffers. We may not notice another area suffering because we are not looking - but when we eventually do, we see we cause more damage by neglecting the area than if we had just given it a little bit each day, each week, each month….  

Single moms have to take the time to LOOK at all areas of their lives and take the time to schedule attention and effort into all major areas - family, spiritual, physical, emotional, financial, no matter how many balls they juggle. We have to put the balls down - and figure out how to put them into their rightful place in our lives.

 Let’s face it..  Single mom really means - single, singular - one person… It is impossible to be in two places at once. And yet we feel the stress of wanting to be - feeling like we should be….

Single moms do not have the Dad around to entertain the kids while cooking dinner, doing the dishes after dinner, giving undivided attention to one child, or helping an older child with homework.  It is truly, I feel, one of the biggest challenges and guilt-producing situations we single moms must face on a daily basis.. How do we clone ourselves to give our children what they need and still take care of things that we know need to be done?

So there it is… That big ole box….With just one click of a remote button it will entertain, educate, amuse, distract… It’s pretty handy. But then on the other hand, all the research is showing that kids are being labeled with ADHD because their parents are plugging them into television so much they actually are living in a fast-paced reality all the time, only to be at what feels to be a snails pace at school. No wonder so many kids can’t sit still at school. If all’s they do is watch images constantly switch and flash across a screen, with music and cool special effects - what motivation is there to sit and listen to some person lecture with a chalk board?

So anyway, getting back to the T.V.. On or Off? What should you do? Well, girlfriends, I will tell you that I use it - and I’m learning to let go of my guilt about it. I try to keep T.V. viewing to PBS and educational programs only. I use it as a way to entertain one kid if I need to spend individual time with another. I also use it to calm down unruliness when the kids have been fighting and/or we all need to chill out. We borrow children’s DVD’s from the library - along with books -and I set up a rule that we will watch the DVD but only after we’ve read one of the books we also checked out at the library. I set limits on T.V. viewing too. And each day I try to get the kids out of the house and for a walk, a bike ride, or a car ride to a local park where we can explore the outdoors, rather than sitting around at home.

There is an old saying that “It takes a village to raise a child”. So why do we feel that as single moms we must do it totally on our own? If you don’t have your mom around, or someone who can act like one, or other friends to support you - then the T.V. -  I feel - is o.k. to be ONE of your supports..  Used in moderation, consciously, and kept to educational programs or limited in time - a T.V. can be one of a single mom’s best friends.. No need to feel guilty about it…

Namaste,

Carol Ann Martin
Founder, Single Mom Synergy

 What do you do as a single mom when you have those moments of feeling overwhelmed - a million times per day for a million different reasons?  I kinda like what this mom is doing - just don’t react to your kid when he goes into a tantrum. It almost looks like she’s about to burst out into laughter doesn’t it? That’s another good coping strategy..

Single moms have so much on their plate every day. One of the things I hear from many of my single mom friends when they are feeling overwhelmed with the moment, the day, the week, is to just let go.

I know that sounds ironic - just let go.. I mean, common, a mom letting go of her responsibility to parent and teach your kids how to have good emotional habits, manners, and respect?

Let me tell you - it works…. Sometimes, when we are trying so hard to do it all, without knowing it, our kids are feeling our stress, by not getting enough real attention and love from us. In the end that’s all they ever really want. They just think (mistakenly) that it comes in the form of things, getting their way, and especially, our full attention all the time.

So what happens is we try to do it all, be it all, and the end result is exactly the opposite of what we are wanting truly deep down - to have that loving, nuturing relationship with our kids.

So what’s the answer? Let it go - for now, for today, for this week. Whether it is those dishes that are still sitting in the sink from Sunday and its now Thursday, folding all those kids clothes that have been sitting in the basket for four days, or your entire to do list that you keep looking at every day that simply depresses you and makes you feel overwhelmed…

Focus on what your end result is with your relationship with your kids. That’ll help you pick what to do in the moment. Prioritize. Someone once told me that if you set aside just 15 minutes per day to focus on catching up on certain things - it is amazing what you will accomplish.

So pick 15 minutes in your day that you will dedicate to “catching up” on whatever it is.. And maybe each week you pick a theme around getting leverage on a certain area - so like, for this week, you will spend 15 minutes each day working on kitchen issues. Day one - clean up the dishes, Day two - wipe down the kitchen table with bleach, Day three - mop the floor, Day four - clean out the refrigerator - Day five - organize the junk and paperwork laying around the countertops and kitchen table… Get the idea??

Remember that this time as a parent and your kids being small is very short. Before we know it our kids will be teenagers and will be walking down aisles at churches and riding off to California… Appreciate their smallness, with all its not-so-good and difficult and overwhelming moments… the dishes are not going to get older and eventually leave your house and your care….

Your kids will. …

Namaste,

Carol Ann Martin
Founder, Single Mom Synergy

 Time seems to so many of us single moms as something we are always chasing after - looking for more of - fitting into - molding around - giving to our kids.

It is truly amazing what us single moms do in a day when we really stop and think about it. Let me give you an example of my life and morning schedule, which is probably pretty typical of any single mom who is working to support herself…

Pre-Kid Time:

• Get up at 5:30am - go for a walk while the kids are sleeping - and I have to go right away - because if I hit the snooze and go another 10 minutes, I run the risk of my kids waking up while I’m out walking.  I walk back n forth in front of my house - always having it within my sight - because I can’t leave my kids alone in the home. It’s not the best workout, but it gets me going in the morning and at least I have some “me time”…
• 6:15am - hop in the shower & attempt to get dressed and get my hair dried and makeup on before the kids wake up, otherwise, I need to spend good morning time with them and then I end up late for work.

Post Kid Time:

• 6:45am - wake up the kids if they aren’t already. Do morning hugs. Turn on PBS morning programs and get them going eating something for breakfast. Usually they don’t want any of my suggestions - or my youngest wants me to cook him pancakes, which I don’t have time to do. Eggo waffles or cereal, or a gogurt…
• 7:00am - make lunches for my kids. My oldest doesn’t like sandwiches - so I’m always looking to find something he’ll like to put in his lunchbox that is also nutritious. Not an easy task. My youngest is easy - I can usually throw anything in there and he’ll like it. 
• 7:10am - figure out what I’m bringing for lunch to work - usually leftovers from last night’s dinner that if it was an attempt at a healthy meal - the kids didn’t eat anyway. Ramen noodles usually works because it’s cheap, simple, fast, and low fat. Sometimes I’ll splurge and take the time to make a healthy fresh salad with feta cheese & tomatoes and cucumbers, but that takes about 10 minutes. And I can’t make salads the night before as the lettuce wilts.
• 7:20am - get the kids dressed. I pick out their clothes, then its a wait and see as to whether or not I’ll have a struggle with what I picked. I had a system at one time to have my oldest pick out his clothes for a week and put it in plastic bins for each day - I should really start doing that again, but I’ve been so busy…….  Don’t need to worry about underwear as we do tubbies the night before - just gotta find matching socks for both kids, the right sizes for each, and locate their shoes that they probably threw under a couch - even though I tell them daily to put their shoes in their closet. The youngest I help get dressed, the oldest I just have to cajole him to stop watching Arthur and put on his socks and shoes.
• 7:30am - make sure I have everything the kids need for the day. Did JT have homework? Is there a permission slip that needs to be turned in? Is there a check I need to write for anything? Hmmm.. And what about me? Do I have the files I brought home from work to work on? Do I have my laptop? Are there phone numbers I need to bring with me to make calls during my lunch break?
• 7:40am - get kids and everything in the car. Make sure house doors are locked. Wait until both kids buckle up. Sometimes they start fighting on the way to the car about who’s going in first and then fight in the car. Thank God for my minivan so I can separate them in the rows. If they continue to fight, then I have to come up with something I know they don’t want to lose, and threaten that it will not be given, or they won’t be able to do something, if they keep fighting.
• 7:45am - Car starts - WE ARE OFF! Off to their Dad’s house about 1/2 mile away for drop-off. My oldest son’s school doesn’t start until 8:35am. I have to be to work at 8:00am. My ex stays with them in morning since he doesn’t go in until 10am - at least right now. He’s looking at another job as usual - so when his schedule changes, we’ll need to rearrange the whole before-school morning care thing….
• 8:00am - made it to work. Ahhh… I have a whole day to be a professional.  I feel relieved, and then I feel guilty that I feel that way, for about a minute.  Then I get on with my day, content knowing my kids are spending the day learning and growing and having fun. 

Does any of this sound familiar? Whew…. What us single mom’s do in just 2.5 hours is incredible..